julle moet n lekker daggie he hoor!
Eh het die nouenet van iemand se FB profile afgehaal. O afrikaans kan darem crap ook wees.
n lekker daggie vir jou hoor
Grappie
Dit was onthaal-aand by die ouetehuis, en Klaas die hipnotiseur is
genooi om die ou mensies te vermaak.
Hy verduidelik: “Ek gaan julle almal in ‘n beswyming laat verval en
julle gaan dan presies maak soos ek sê.”
Die opgewondenheid loop hoog en Klaas haal sy pragtige antieke
sakhorlosie uit sy sak en begin dit heen-en-weer swaai op die verhoog.
“Hierdie horlosie is al 200 jaar in ons familie. Ek wil hê julle moet
stip na die horlosie kyk. Sien hoe dit heen-en-weer beweeg. Links en
regs,
heen-en-weer, voel hoe julle julself oorgee aan die beweging,
heen-en-weer, heen-en-weer”
Die oumense raak vasgevang in die heen-en-weer beweging van die
horlosie.
Honderde oë volg die heen-en-weer beweging en verval in ‘n beswyming
totdat die horlosie per ongeluk uit Klaas se vingers glip en op die
vloer stukkend val.
“Kak!” skree Klaas
Dit het drie weke gevat om die ouetehuis weer heeltemal skoon te kry.
The International Rules of Manhood
Ela pretties….
Here they are… Read them, memorize them, live by them… We’d also also dig it if you could add something or improve on any rule. Drop us a comment like it’s hot…
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your biltong is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.
2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you’ve known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However you can complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
16. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just greedy.
19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal ‘drunken monkey sex’, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets a Playstation. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
The Official Hangover Rating Charts
If you have never had a hangover before this will not apply to you and you are unlikely to understand. However if you have you can now rate your hangovers, compare with you mates and who knows, maybe have a little competition on the side. Oh yes and remember to keep record!
1 Star Hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 Star Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 Star Hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven’t peed once.
4 Star Hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can’t hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following – home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 Star Hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You’d cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let’s face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ….. very gently.
6 Star Hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you’re going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won’t relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
Special thanks to Linda
Addictive little game
Man, I love this little game. You need to program the robot, and light up the blue squares. Try it.
Just wait for it to finish loading.
Why proofreading is so important
We have all, at some time or another, been let down by errors in our copies. Have a look at these:
| Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya think? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors |
Die Smous
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